The “grandparent habit” that psychologists say creates the strongest bond with grandchildren

Saturday afternoon. There is a soft hum from the TV in the background, and the house smells like apple pie and old books. A little boy is on the floor, carefully lining up toy cars, while his grandmother sits nearby, not scrolling through her phone or fussing in the kitchen. She is just there. Looking. Making comments. Questions that don’t sound like questions.

In that living room, time seems to go by more slowly. No rush, no plans, and no “We have to leave in 10 minutes.” You just get the feeling that those cars and that little, focused face are the only things that matter in the world.

Psychologists say that this is where the strongest connections are made.
In the normal, everyday, and not very dramatic times.

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The “grandparent habit” that goes beyond gifts and is surprising

Psychologists keep coming back to the same thing when they talk about what really connects grandparents and grandchildren: being there for each other over and over again without being distracted. Not the party for the birthday. Not the big trip. The habit. The ceremony. The little, everyday moment when a child thinks, “Right now, my grandparent is all mine.”

For some people, it’s a phone call every week. Drawing at the kitchen table every Tuesday at 4 p.m. is what some people do. For one family, it’s a voice message every night before bed. The shape isn’t that important. What matters is that it keeps coming back.

Psychologists call this “predictable attuned time,” which is a nerdy name for something very human. A study from the University of Oxford found that kids who had regular, reliable contact with their grandparents were better able to handle their emotions and had fewer behaviour problems. Not very exciting trips. Gifts that aren’t worth a lot of money. Regular contact.

Maya, who is eight years old, knows that her grandpa will call every Sunday morning to ask about her football game. She notices if he doesn’t. She is waiting for it. The ritual becomes a thread that ties one week to the next.

Why is this habit so important? This is because a child’s brain is wired to look for safe patterns. When a grandparent keeps showing up in the same way, it means, “You are worth my time.” I remember you. “I come back.”

That quiet confidence builds something that no toy can buy. It gives you a deep, almost physical feeling of being held in someone’s mind, even when they aren’t there. Psychologists say that this is the basis of the strongest kind of bond.

How to get started, even if you’re late, and what this looks like in real life

So what is this “grandparent habit”? In simple terms, it’s a small, regular ritual where you give your grandchild all of your attention. Not three hours of craziness every month. Ten to twenty minutes every day, with no interruptions from anything or anyone else.

It could be “story time on Wednesdays,” “puzzle time after school,” “plant-watering together on Saturdays,” or “we always bake the same cookies when you sleep over.” The consistency is more important than the content. Your grandchild needs to be able to guess what will happen.

The main point is easy to understand: their brain connects you to a certain, reliable time. A safe place to be on the weekend.

A lot of grandparents think they need to be entertainers. Going to the zoo, getting new toys, and going on fun trips. Then they get tired or, worse, disappointed when the kid seems more interested in the tablet than the museum.

This is something that psychologists see a lot. Kids don’t remember the right time. They remember how it felt. The fact that Grandma listened to the same Pokémon story five times. Granddad always let them stir the sauce, even if it got messy. One grandmother in a French study said that her teenage grandson still talks about “their” Thursday pasta nights. The pasta was always too soft. He didn’t care. He was worried that she would never cancel.

The reasoning behind this is both simple and a little harsh: kids are very good at spotting patterns. They also notice when you regularly cancel, rush, or only half-listen. The signal gets fuzzy if your “special time” often competes with your phone or TV.

Let’s be honest: no one really does this every day. Things get loud in life. Energy goes down. Health gets in the way. What matters is not how perfect the habit is, but how it goes. The child needs to believe that this little ritual happens most of the time and that you are really there when you are there.

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Making your own bond ritual: small steps, big changes

How do you get started, especially if your grandkids are already older or live far away? Start with something very small. Pick one easy ritual that works for both of you. Ten minutes of video chat where you only draw with each other. You each play a song you love once a week in a “song exchange.” A voice message that says, “Tell me one good thing and one annoying thing from your day.”

Say it out loud. “This is our story call for Thursday night.” Kids love names, rules, and traditions. It makes the moment more important. Then keep it safe. Act like it’s a small meeting with someone important. That’s what it is, exactly.

The most common thing grandparents tell psychologists they do wrong is promise too much. “We’ll do this every day!” “I’ll always be there after school!” One slip, then three, and then the child stops expecting it quietly. It’s better to have a small ritual that you almost always do than a big one that keeps falling apart.

Multitasking is another trap. Doing the dishes while on a “special” call. Reading notifications while they talk about a drawing. Kids are very good at noticing when someone is paying attention to two things at once. They might not say anything, but their excitement will slowly fade.

Take it easy on yourself. You won’t get it right every time. You’ll be tired, forgetful, and sometimes grumpy. One bad day doesn’t break the bond. It grows from the general pattern of coming.

Psychologist Laurence Steinberg puts it this way: “For a child, closeness is not measured in minutes, but in moments of full presence.” When a grandparent pays that kind of attention on a regular basis, they become a safe emotional anchor.

• Set a time for a named ritual to happen every week, like story night, drawing call, or game hour.
• Make it short and doable so you can stick with it, even when you’re tired.
• Take away distractions: no TV in the background, no scrolling, and no rushing.
• As your child gets older, be open to changing the format, but keep the rhythm of your time together.
• Say something nice about it: “I look forward to our call on Friday all week.” This adds to its emotional weight.

The quiet strength of being the one who always comes back

Being the one adult a child thinks of when they think of slowness, curiosity, and time that doesn’t have to “produce” anything is a kind of magic. Parents who are busy with homework, dinner, and laundry often have trouble giving that. Grandparents are in a special position to take that space.

Years later, grandchildren hardly ever say, “My grandpa bought me the most expensive toy.” They say things like, “She went to every school show,” “He called me every Sunday,” and “We always played cards before bed.” These sentences sound short. In fact, they’re love stories in disguise.

If you’re reading this with a little bit of regret, thinking about years that went by without seeing each other or visits that didn’t happen very often, you’re not the only one. A lot of grandparents start late, when work is done or when family problems are lessened. When honesty shows up, even if it’s late, relationships are surprisingly forgiving.

You can say, “I’d like us to have a little ritual that only we do.” What do you want it to be? When asked to help make it, kids and teens often get very excited. Teenagers might roll their eyes at you and then send you a meme the next day. That’s part of the dance.

The truth is that the best relationships between grandparents and grandchildren are not based on big gestures, but on being there for each other. The feeling deep inside that “This person thinks about me, comes back to me, and really sees me again and again.”

This habit doesn’t fix every family story. It doesn’t make distance, divorce, or complicated histories go away. What it does offer is a thread that can hold across the years, even when everything else feels fragile.

A child is waiting for a message, a story, or a silly drawing from their grandparent. That little hope is already a seed of attachment. You choose what to say again.